Vision vs. Reality

It's been a rough couple of days here at the sonshine cottage. Not 100% horribly bad, but erratically up and down. I'd love to blame it entirely on pregnancy hormones and the normal, annoying little stressors that are 2 and 4 year old children, but I don't think I can dismiss it so easily.

Geesh. I know I struggle with insecurity, but are there not more moms out there that are just going bonkers at times? Maybe my problem is not having problems, but not being able to hide those problems under a facade of spiritual harmony, meek and quiet, blah de blah blah? Well, I am willing to bet we all go through this in one form or another with our own personal set of circumstances, and I think we do ourselves a disservice to not be honest about it. Once again, it's time for me to bare my soul so that anyone reading this will feel better about themselves, either because they are not alone or because they are not as messed up as me. It's my ministry. :-)

These ups and downs drive me crazy (a short drive) because things can seem so horrible and then a few hours later, I can't quite figure out why I was thinking things were so bad. I'm starting to see a pattern develop and am trying to just identify that I'm having one of these crazy meltdown days so that I don't do anything regrettable while in the pits.

Most of today was spent in joy that I had overcome the horrible morning I had yesterday and focusing on how good things were and how I was not going to lose it again for a while. That lasted til dinnertime when things quickly went downhill. Actually, I handled it fairly well, now that I am out of the heat of the (many) moments. Nothing wrong with discontinuing the bedtime story and quickly getting the kids into bed when mommy is about to blow her top. Right?

Well yesterday, when I was trying to get my thoughts focused back on Christ and what He wants from me (and hiding in the bathroom), I read the daily page from My Utmost for His Highest, by Oswald Chambers. And once again, it could have been written just for me:

July 6th.
VISION AND REALITY

"And the parched ground shall become a pool."
Isaiah 35:7

We always have visions, before a thing is made real. When we
realize that although the vision is real, it is not real in us, then is the time
that Satan comes in with his temptations, and we are apt to say it is no use to
go on. Instead of the vision becoming real, there has come the valley of
humiliation.

"Life is not as idle ore,

But iron dug from central gloom,

And batter'd by the shocks of doom

To shape and use."

God gives us the vision,
then He takes us down to the valley to batter us into the shape of the vision,
and it is in the valley that so many of us faint and give way. Every vision will
be made real if we will have patience. Think of the enormous leisure of God! He
is never in a hurry. We are always in such a frantic hurry. In the light of the
glory of the vision we go forth to do things, but the vision is not real in us
yet; and God has to take us into the valley, and put us through fires and floods
to batter us into shape, until we get to the place where He can trust us with
the veritable reality. Ever since we had the vision God has been at work,
getting us into the shape of the ideal, and over and over again we escape from
His hand and try to batter ourselves into our own shape.

The vision is not a castle in the air, but a vision of what God wants you to be. Let Him put you on His wheel and whirl you as He likes, and as sure as God is God and you are you, you will turn out exactly in accordance with the vision. Don't lose heart in the process. If you have ever had the vision of God, you may try as you like to be
satisfied on a lower level, but God will never let you.

Have you ever watched a potter at the wheel? It is amazing. That lump of clay keeps changing form and just when you think you know what is forming, the potter thrusts in a thumb and radically changes the shape. Sometimes the shape is so changed that the potter starts from what seems to be the beginning all over again, but that previous shaping had some purpose-- perhaps to make the clay more supple so it can be stretched into a better vessel.

I think part of what causes me to get the most frustrated is having an idea of the overall vision and not being molded and battered into the reality of that vision yet. I am in such a hurry! When I have had enough of trying to fit into that mold, my clay pops out and doesn't want to fit. I guess I want it to be easy just because I want it so bad. But the process is what I'm here for. When the process is finished, I won't be here, I'll be with my Lord.

So- How to keep my spirits up, to persevere through the battering, molding, shaping of my character? How to keep my emotions from running away with my mind? We are told to renew our minds in His word and my mind knows this most of the time, but sometimes I lose sight of the vision, take my mind off of Him and focus on how hard it is and how easy some folks make it look like. I have reminders all over the house, and I'm trying to identify patterns (hubby is helpful with this) and record them (here and elsewhere) and just trying to survive those deep dark valley moments without making anything worse. Remebering, this too shall pass.

And pass it does. Yesterday my funk was broken by a mere 30 minutes of weeding a neglected flower bed. (In all honesty that was preceeded by a long talk with the hubby, bless his heart) Once it had passed, it all seemed so silly. Just like the woman who says her husband's sense of humor attracted her in the beginning, but now she finds him childish, I was feeling out of sorts because I didn't have any urgent, pressing agenda for the day, which had me feeling like I don't do anything of real value and I have wasted so many years developing skills that I don't need now. Which is ridiculous, since I work hard at having that freedom from the urgent, by limiting obligations, keeping up with the little but necessary tasks (most of the time) and focusing on enjoying relationships instead of wealth or superficial achievements.

Not that I didn't have stuff to do-- goodness, I have several to-do lists full! I can only explain it as due to hormones, spiritual attack, or I'm just crazy. But my take-away lesson was to (1)acknowledge the funk of the valley, (2)don't do anything to make circumstances worse, and (3)just do something that gives me a sense of satisfaction (like the weeding). Tonight as I was quickly losing my cool, I acknowledged that I was exhaused and sore, that pursuing discipline to get throught the bedtime story (and bible time) was not going to end well, and just got the kiddos into bed (very satisfying). The disappointment of not having bible time tonight is mitigated by the realization that I would have blown up had I tried to stick to it.

Don't know if I'm making sense to anyone but myself, but there it is.

By the way, you can read My Utmost for His Highest online here, but I prefer having my dog eared copy in the bathroom!

Crafty Goodness

I had a lovely Sunday afternoon in which I did a lot of crafty goodness and cleaning of my sewing room.

I'm so crafty, I made this person.

Ok, so it was nearly 3 years ago. But I made the dress a few weeks ago along with the big flower in the window (part of a craft I did with the kids-my son's picture is also in the window.)

I'm so crafty, I made this hammock last week. Yeah, that's me with my head lolling back. You are so not going to see the pictures my hubby took with my belly in them. I told him to only take flattering pictures, but he didn't listen. It feels so good lazing about in the hammock in the mornings before it gets too hot. It would feel even better if the kids would stop climbing all over me when I am in it! But we do some reading in it and if they are crowding me, I tell them to run to the pine tree and run around it a few times.

My sewing machine did not like the hammock project. I used heavy duty thread and a heavy duty, large sewing machine needle, which worked well except for the tension. The back side of the hammock is sporting a lot of loopy stitches and knots, especially wherever I went backwards. It's made a lot like a tab-top curtain, but with tabs on both ends and there are two layers of striped lightweight upholstry canvas with a heavy canvas inbetween. The boards were from an old rope hammock that was falling apart. I bought new rope to string the ends. The fabric was in my stash and the total cost was about $20 for rope, thread, needles, and hardware.

Moving on to today! I did some cleaning of the sewing room to make room for our computer cabinet (which only houses the printer and office supplies) so we can move it out of the kitchen, to then make room for a pack-n-play to be used as the downstairs napping spot for baby boy Johnson. This got me distracted with a ton of projects in various stages of completion and urgency. I found a pair of pants that had been way too big a few months ago and thought I'd try them on. Still too big! Seeing their potential for getting me through this summer and pregnancy, I decided to give them an elastic waist band.

This was so easy! I just cut two slits in the waistband facing across the back and inserted a length of elastic and stitched it all up. The original waist band served as the casing and it used up one of those annoying 'too short to use, but too long to throw away' bits of elastic. Now they'll stay on and stretch with my growing belly over the summer. Which is a good thing since my maternity clothes have seemingly disappeared from the attic.


Remeber my quilted wall hanging? I've slowly been adding some embellishments and details. How do you like the sonshine cottage? Those are little lace hearts under it. It's the yellow house built on love. It's still got a way to go, which is sad since I was thinking this was a spring scene. I think I'll skip trying to do a scene for summer and move on to fall after this thing is done.

I have been thinking on this idea for a long time:

It's a fastener activity board. I just sat down and started putting it together today and it's almost finished. No where near perfect as it's just slapped together randomly, but it's a good start. And my boy needs some help working with buttons. His hand skills are pretty poor, which is typical for a 4 y.o. but I need to encourage their development and keep him busy while I sew. There's a snap under that little strip and the big buttons have one horizontol button hole and one vertical. I'll be adding some smaller buttons and placket to simulate shirt buttons next.

I also made some little tiny cheesecakes for a little reward for me. I used only about have the sugar called for and just a sprinkling of graham cracker crumbs as crust and baked them in muffin cups. They're good enough as a gestational diabetes treat, but not so good I'll eat too much.

I've been trying to push myself whenever I can to get as many projects done before this baby comes this fall, because I know I won't be doing much other than the basics once he's arrived.

Ali's African Adventures

I've been reading this wonderful blog off and on for the last couple of weeks and I had to share it with you: Ali's African Adventures.

Ali is a pediatric nurse on one of the Mercy Ships. Her experiences are so different from what we encounter here, her attitude is amazing, her faith is strong, her writing is beautiful and thought provoking, and she's only 25 years old.

What in the world did I do with my life in my twenties?! Sheesh, I'm such a late bloomer. I pray that God will give me the wisdom needed to teach my daughter to have such a sense of purpose and service in whatever she persues and I especially pray that God works within her heart to lead her to follow His will passionately, selflessly. Because it's not really on how well we raise her but on how well she follows Him. And God has different plans and time tables for all of us.

And I am thankful for the work that Ali is doing and her ability to share it with us.

Recipe Substitutions

Back when I was trying to lose weight, before I found out I was pregnant with baby #3, I was having a lot of success with substituting apple sauce, pumpkin puree, and/or non fat yogurt for the oil in many of my recipes. Now that gestational diabetes has reared its ugly head again I can't afford to replace fat with carbs, even if it seems healthy and the carb content is low, especially in the case of applesauce.

But I have found a new tweak. I am now using protein powder to replace some or all of the dry milk powder I use to mix up milk for some of my recipes. This has worked wonderfully in several waffle and pancake recipes. Not that non fat milk needs to be replaced, but it does up the protein content of the recipe, and in a carb-y food, that is a wonderful thing. I use a whey-based, vanilla flavored protein powder that I bought at Sam's Club. I now have enough to see me until this baby is a preschooler or so it seems. The powder also makes a pretty good smoothie blended with some frozen strawberries and milk.

The stuff contains Nutrasweet, but I am in complete denial over the harmful effects of artificial sweeteners on my body and that of the baby. Please don't try to get me off of the stuff as it is helping to keep me sane right now as my diet is very limited. The stuff is in my yogurt, the aforementioned protein powder, an occasional instant sugarfree pudding mix, my blueberry syrup, a nasty strawberry jam that I may never finish [shudder- How can the same company make a decent tasting sugarfree syrup and such a fake, nasty jam?], and yes- in the one or two bottles of Mountain Dew that I drink daily. Let's not start on the sodas either. Although I will refrain from having any caffeine before my next ultrasound as the baby was bouncing off the walls!

Perhaps in a day or two, I won't be so lazy/tired and I will actually give you the brand name of the protein powder and a recipe for a high protein waffle/pancake batter that I've been using with great success.

My Happy Heart

My heart was made happy today as my wonderful hubby had the day off (he's supposed to have Fridays off since he works Sunday evenings, but it doesn't always happen) and I was sent to the library all by myself. What bliss!

I found the above book, My Happy Heart, written by Melody Carlson and illustrated by Jim Osborn and read it to the kids tonight. The boy makes a heart card to give to someone he loves and as he passes his day with those he loves, he decides to give his heart to God, the one he loves the best. Wonderful story and leads into a great teachable moment.

After reading the story, I told the kids that my heart belongs to God, and the girl replies that her heart belongs to God and the boy says, "My heart belongs to Jesus!" Too cute. While they are too young to truly give their heart to God, it certainly is a step in the right direction and warmed my heart.

I also checked out Dr. Laura's In Praise of Stay At Home Moms and am going through it. So far I've decided that if this book comes in audio format, I'm buying a copy to keep in the car for when I need a little praise. Because sometimes I lose perspective and get overwhelmed by the daily grind and forget about those wonderful things that make being a SAHM so worth it.

So Many Ideas, So Little Time

Eek! It's almost been a month since I've blogged last. Let's see....

Since I last posted, I had to take an early glucose test for gestational diabetes and failed. Since I had GD for the last few weeks of my last pregnancy, I was tested at 16 (!) weeks instead of the standard 28 weeks. Since my insurance doesn't hardly pay for anything until we meet our huge deductible, I bought a cheap glucose monitor for half the price of the one my insurance would have 'covered'--meaning they would apply what I paid towards our deductible and not pay much else. Unfortunately, I got what I paid for and the darn thing was very, very innaccurate. I spent about 2 weeks nearly losing my mind eating very little food and still having high blood sugar levels.

After getting way too obsessed and testing myself repeatedly and getting levels that differed by 20 points within a 5 minute time period, I availed myself of CVS's money back guarantee and then shelled out a small fortune on brand name test strips and got the accompanying monitor for 'free'.

It was worth it however as I am able to eat more food and still have very good, possibly even low blood sugar levels. I am able to think about more than just food and sugar levels now! It still is not fun and I may lose my mind during these next 21 weeks, but I will survive.

I did find a pretty interesting and helpful site on Gestational Diabetes http://www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/gd/gd_index.html

Once again though, I am amazed at how little information my doctor's/midwife's office gives out. I can't help but think that they want their patients to be totally ignorant so that we will just blindly do what we are told--which probably makes it easier on them.

I have also been working like crazy to get more sewing done and get some projects finished. There are just so many good ideas out there and things I've been wanting to do and it seems as if nothing really ever gets done. So either I am doing these things when I normally have computer time at night, or I am feeling a bit brain dead by the end of the day and while I'm reading a lot on the web, I'm doing very little writing of my own.

Current projects include: a canvas hammock to sew (my hammock fell apart and I had the canvas so I'm making do and doesn't swinging in the hammock while the kids play sound like heaven?), the quilted wall hanging I blogged about earlier, a few new dresses and bloomers for Leah, the perennial kitchen cabinet painting project, some embroidery projects, desperately needed weeding in the garden and yard, and more.

I also just got back from a quick visit to my grandfather's. In preparation for selling his condo now that Grandma has passed on and Gramps is in a nursing home (he is a big, tall man who has had a pretty severe stroke) my aunt had me pick a few things to take home with me. I now have 4 matching tea cups with saucers, and several types of matching plates, an old globe (great for combining with homeschooling and hubby's Ham radio to locate contacts), my grandmother's childhood copy of Fairy Tales by Hans Christian Andersen, and a Peter Rabbit cookie jar. Plus a few old tea towels. Now to figure out where to put them.

In spite of the GD, my aching back and pelvis, fatigue, reduced exercise intensity, and frequent urination, I don't really feel very pregnant---even though the baby is making his/her presence felt. Most of this is due to the fact that my clothes are all huge on me except for some things at the waist. When I lost that 30 pounds earlier this year, I never bought smaller clothes because I found out I was pregnant (except for underwear as they were falling off) and figured I'd need those fat clothes soon. Now, all my pants and capris look like some kind of MC Hammer thing with a ton of extra fabric throughout the legs. So I need to do some more sewing or at least some more thrift shopping.

I have so much I want to write about, so I hope to do some more posting a bit more regularly. I'd love it if you would leave a comment if you are still reading here.

I'm So Crafty...

I saw this on a blog and it made me laugh out loud! It was linked to someone else's business site, so I hope I'm not violating any thing by posting it here, but I just had to put it here! Reminds me of some of the thoughts I was having at the Y the other day when I decided not to work out as much and was thinking of excuses/defenses---"I may look like I'm lazy, but I'm really building a baby" and "So you've added 5 pounds of muscle by lifting weights? I just made a complete and growing musculoskeletal system." and my favorite, "Ooh, I just made an ear!"